The Darkness & The Light
by gostlcards
Summary: "It's true. All of it. The Dark Side, the Jedi. They're real." Quick drabble. Major, major spoilers for TFA.


After seeing the movie, I felt like Han's line about the Force that we we're all like HE ADMITS IT YASSSS, actually may be more sad than awesome, given what happened to Ben, SO. Here we go.

I have a few other things I'm working on that weren't written and spit out so quickly, and may be kind of linked to this work, but that will be later, after I publish them. This was not beta'd or really proofread, so be gentle, I just had to get SOMETHING out after this weekend :)

* * *

Ben Solo is 8 when Leia decides that the part time training he's being given isn't good enough. She's not upset about what he's undergone so far, she understands Luke is juggling so many things, but she finally tells him that, in order for Ben to have complete focus, to have all the training he needs, to stay _light_ , that it needs to be full time and focused, without the distraction of the new rising First Order and constant struggle the Alliance is under.

Luke agrees. He and Ben isolate themselves on D'Qar, and they begin to practice day in and day out. Ben is his only student for now, but he tells her when he is daughter is old enough, five or six, she will join them. Leia's fine with that.

Han has never liked the Force. The Sith _or_ the Jedi. He has merely accepted it as a part of his life.

It's hard to appreciate something he couldn't fully understand.

When he sees his son wielding a lightsaber for the first time, a shock of cold runs down his spine and all he thinks about is Vader on Bespin. He loves Ben so much, and he worries about his grandfather. He's an emotional child, always so eager to please, sometimes losing his temper and having a hard time calming himself and all he can think about is how someday it may get the better of him.

When he shares his concerns with his wife, she is quiet but she understands. Anakin Skywalker has always been a touchy subject for her. She doesn't like to acknowledge her true lineage and doesn't want to be connected to Vader. But she knows she has to for the sake of her child, and so shortly after, she and Luke sit down with him and they explain to Ben about his grandfather.

It backfires.

If anything, the story of how gifted his grandfather was makes Ben more driven. He is harder on himself when he can't quite grasp what Luke is giving him. He pushes, and pushes himself, and his tantrums get worse. He grows more frustrated and as Luke can feel him slipping, he tightens his grip. Luke begins to try and control the boy and his emotions. He tries to force patience by limiting his assignments and their training time, tries to slow down the process, which in turn just aggravates the boy further. Though there are plenty of good days, it is the bad ones, few and far between as they may seem, that stick in the Jedi's mind.

Luke asks his sister to let Ben speak with Anakin so he can be warned about the allure of the Dark, but she adamantly refuses. She herself has never taken up council with their father, unable to forgive all of the wrongs he has committed against her and the rest of the galaxy, and she knows Han would never agree to it either. She thinks meeting him will make the obsession worse; they will never know if that is the case or not.

As Luke's daughter grows, they find the girl mellows Ben out a little. He enjoys playing with her, teaching her about the Force. Luke believes it reinforces his confidence in his abilities so he encourages it. Ben plays with her, helping her to learn how to move small toys through the air, meditate and play with wooden sabers.

When she is 4 and he is 11, though, something changes between them. The girl is quick to many tasks, and seems to understand how to do some of the Jedi tricks before she is fully shown how to do them. She excels at some of these benign activities, and during one of the play fights, gets the better of her cousin for just one move.

He never plays with her again.

Luke finds out he is training alone, communing with the Force and learning things that Luke would never teach him. He cautions his nephew against anything to strenuous, and one day, Ben snaps.

"You've always held me back," He spits with a glare, turning on his Uncle. "You're just worried i'm going to be more powerful than you, a better Jedi!"

Luke doesn't react. He stays calm, and insists that power shouldn't be Ben's focus. The boy leaves their makeshift training arena and tells his mother that he is done training with his Uncle Luke.

A month later, just after his 12th birthday, he disappears.

* * *

Everything falls apart. Luke leaves his daughter with Han and Leia, and goes to look for the original Jedi Temple, hoping to find some answers to redeem his nephew and bring him back into the light.

Luke's daughter is stolen away during that time. Luke doesn't come back, so they never get to tell him, and they look for her for years before accepting that whomever took her doesn't want her to be found. Han and Leia's relationships deteriorates rapidly, the weight of the grief of their son's disappearance, and of Rey's kidnapping becoming too much to bear.

He leaves, saying he just needs some time away, and he never comes back.

From what he understands, Leia rapidly ascends through the ranks of the Alliance.

And four years after everything falls apart, it begins to come back together.

He's at an outpost in the Outer Rim, making a deal with a gang of Rodian's to transport some stolen merchandise when TIE fighters descend toward the town, followed by a command shuttle close by. He has heard rumblings of a group of force sensitive knights rising up within the First Order, led only by a young knight by the name of Kylo Ren. He hangs back, not wanting to catch the Order's attention by fleeing in the Falcon, and stays within the Cantina to avoid being seen as he peers out at the troops guarding the shuttle.

That's when he sees him.

Clad all in black, tall- _so much taller than he had been years before, now more a man than a little boy,_ he thinks later-with black hair that falls long, is Ben. He strides from the ship with an air of confidence, carrying a helm in his arms that he fiddles with for a few moments before putting over his head. But there is no mistaking it.

This is his son.

He pushes into the Cantina wall, suddenly wishing he'd taken his chance with the Falcon and gotten the hell out of here. He listens as Stormtroopers interrogate a vendor just outside the Cantina, accusing him of selling secrets of the Order to the Rebel Alliance. He hears the buzz of a stun blaster, accompanied by the man falling to the ground, then being dragged to the ship. After a few moments of silence, Han leans to the window, looking out at the scene.

The stormtroopers are dragging the poor man up into the ship, but Kylo Ren has hung back, his head swinging back and forth slowly before it settles and stops. He turns toward the Cantina, staring at the window closest to Han, and suddenly, he knows Ben can feel he's there.

Han can feel his presence, and realizes it's because Ben's mind is reaching out, brushing against his consciousness.

He should be getting up and running outside toward the command shuttle. He should be telling Ben that they miss him, that they need him at home, that he **wants** him to come home. That he loves him, and that he's sorry he ever made him feel like he doubted his son's ability to harness the Force for good and become a Jedi like his Uncle. He should be showing his son that he will risk being fired upon or captured to bring him back to the light.

But he thinks about the commands he has heard Ben bark out, filtered through a mechanical modulator, and all he can remember is the time on Bespin, so he doesn't do any of those things. He sinks further into the booth, shrinking back away from the window, and he doesn't move from that position, until long after the ship has sailed off into the sky.

When he goes to board the Falcon, it's gone. He's pretty sure that's exactly what he deserves.

* * *

 _"Bring him home."_

All of the explosives have been planted. All he has to do is turn away and go the way he came and let Kylo Ren go his, but Leia's drawn, sad expression swims into his consciousness. It's been 10 years since the Cantina on Eriadu, when he should've gone after him the first time, before he was too far gone and he realizes that he decided when they picked up the girl that he wasn't going to be running anymore.

 _"You're right back in it, Solo."_

Drawing up whatever courage he can muster, he steps out into the light and yells at his son, who freezes. He turns in silence, addressing his father by his full name and when Han approaches him, he makes sure his steps reflect his determination and confidence.

He wants Ben to see that he's not leaving without him.

"...it's tearing me apart. I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?"

The boy is tired. He's upset, and conflicted, and for a few moments, Han truly believes he will be walking off this base with his son.

"Yes."

As he holds his son's lightsaber in his hands with him, he feels the last of the sun behind him fade away, and he see's the last of the light flicker from Ben's eyes.

The blade comes to life and goes right through his heart, and the breath is driven through his body as he arches up. Ben never takes his eyes from his fathers.

He's happy it's like this. He's not okay with what it means for his son, but he hopes that somewhere within him, it will take hold that he is here and that he wants to help him, wants to bring him back, and he hopes it makes Ben realize he wishes he would've been there all along.

He hopes that the Alliance will find Luke and he hopes that what he's doing will make all the difference.

He brings his hand up and touches his son's face and he can feel the boy trembling. He wishes he would've believed more in him from the start. But he can't change that now.

The blade is disengaged and he sways on his feet, staring at Ben as he feels himself fall backwards.

The world fades to dark.


End file.
